Neil Young used to be cool

I'm in the habit of watching Saturday Night Live, which is a little like being in the habit of poking yourself in the eye with a rusty blade. It basically just isn't funny. Tonight's show was actually pretty good - Jack Black was the host, and there was a hilarious Robert Smigel claymation about what Jews do on Christmas done in the style of an Phil Spector girl group wall of sound parody. It was even in black and white, and Darlene Love did the singing....it was very funny, and the musical highlight of the show, which is unfortunate considering Neil Young was on tonight. There was a time when this guy was relevant, and his early albums are some of my favorites by anybody. Tonight he did a few songs from his new album....I think its called Farting into a Prairie Wind or something like. He's in his old-fogie country phase, I guess, which he was bound to go through sooner or later. It is just so incredibly boring compared to, say, Tonight's the Night or On the Beach. I think one of his band members actually died on stage tonight, but I was the only who noticed. THAT IS HOW BORING HE IS. This got me thinking about other old-fart rock stars, so I've compiled a list of some of the best and worst

1. Bob Dylan: People who know me know that I've gotta throw Bob up here first. He is a living legend and a mesmerizing guy to watch on stage. More than that, the guy is a fucking freak of nature with his pencil thin mustache and cowboy hats, his metallic colored scarfs....the guy is WEIRD. Definitely NOT boring in any way.

2. Johnny Cash: He's so cool he died. This is the first lesson musicians who get old should learn. When you get to the age when you can't perform any longer, it is best just to die. Nothing helps your cred more.

3. Pual McCartney: Unless you're Sir Paul. Even death couldn't save him at this point. Paul is currently my sixth favorite Beatle. The correct order is 1. George 2. John 3. George Martin 4. Pete Best 5. Ringo 6. Sir Paul Basically he is just a massive tool, and if you read Spitz's new 1000 page Beatles biog you will learn that Paul was all "oh guys stop doing drugs so we can record...I've got this great tune about a blackbird....oh, you're writing awesome psychedelic pop songs that will be remembered forever, I guess I can just do blackbird on my own" Seriously what a fucking tool. I haven't even mentioned all the lame crap he's done as a solo artist. His latest crappy album just got nominated for a Grammy, which is a sure sign he is totally fucking irrelevant.

4. Tom Waits: His voice sounds like a broken garbage disposal. By that I mean it is not for singing, but a percussive instrument. He's awesome.

5. Willie Nelson: He still gets high everyday.

6. David Bowie: A caricature of his former self. Tries to appear hip by going to Arcade Fire shows. Comes off as desperate.

7. Mick Jagger: Pretty lame only because he is proving himself to be the grandfather of corporate rock when he was once the face of youthful rebellion. Looks way older than he actually is. Ditto for Keith. Obviously, the drugs.

Well that was really fucking depressing. Moral of the story: if you are a rock star and can avoid aging, you should do so. Otherwise, you will be a punchline on some hipster blog by the time you hit 60.